Labor Day: Am I Actually Expected to Celebrate This?

2 09 2013

Labor Day is the most befuddling day in the Western World.  It’s the day of the year we actually celebrate what we spend the other 364 denigrating.  What is so damn great about labor anyway, other than it keeps the lights on, the cable bill paid, and a modicum of peace on the street between 10 and 8? Umteenth cup of coffee and keep the boss off your neck so you won’t loose too much blood on any given day. Labor is hardly to be celebrated: It’s to be gotten over and forgotten in one too many barbecue beers. Read the rest of this entry »





I have always depended on the benign neglect of strange databases

6 08 2013

Sorry, Blanche, there are no benign databases left, and I need to erase this post now from my so called serious site. Because you see, it’s not that funny anymore. Goodbye, Blanche. It may not be a streetcar named Desire, just a bus named after a dog. But at least it will get you out of town before the surfer robot killing squads show up.





Declaring a Disaster Capitalism Area

4 06 2011

Ah, Springtime is in the air.  Noses are running and budgets are being trimmed to the marrow.  It’s an all out attack on the senses for someone allergic to everything they bothered to test for.  And now bad apple’s own job is up on the chopping block, like so much liver and giblets.  And no one wants to see their own giblets up there, hanging out, believe you me.

Remember this, for posterity: In the Great Depression we bailed out the people, in the Great Recession we bailed out the banks.

Who’d have thought all this mortage mess would lead to a proposal to demolish a whole city’s library system?  Sheesh.  What’s next, Orwell?  Cameras everywhere?  Check. Big Bro watching your every click? Check.  Media/Power conglomeration? Check.  Anti-Democratic forces affecting structural changes? Check.

Keeping one’s passport in order isn’t a bad idea.  Call me paranoid, but ever since college I’ve had this semi-irrational fear of surfboy paramilitary robots coming through and mowing down every last Greenpeace member in the state.

“Please, I swear, I only gave them $25 a year!  I never even read their newsletter, please!  I only paid them to leave me alone!”

Admittedly, this type of thing isn’t usually committed but South of the Border, which is why I had to make them California blond and wearing sunglasses over their dumb red-robot eyes.

We humans apparently still have a little time to fight this fate between now and June 21, at saveoaklandlibrary.org





Seven Habits of Highly-Effective Hitlers

28 01 2008

Not every Hitler gets to take-over his own country.  Most have to be satisfied with dominating only the people they know and come into contact with everyday.  But that doesn’t stop you from becoming the most-effective Hitler you can be , if you just believe in yourself to the exclusion of all others!

Here’s a plan to keep even the most-self-conscious fascist on track:

Habit One: Maintain Your Power:  You have to keep power to get power, if you know what I mean.  You must never doubt yourself.  Critics aren’t just wrong, they’re Satan!  Never waiver on your path to total domination.  If you hear a little voice in your head questioning Habit One, clobber it.

Habit Two: Find Your Subjects:  Whether you plan to take-over your native country and spread your evil genicidal rot from there, or if you just want to rule your own little nuclear family with an iron fist, forming your children into messed-up and highly-ineffective adults — or something in between —  whatever your plan is, you need someone to dominate right now.  If a coup is out of the question, consider starting a family, or even getting a job in management.

Habit Three: Stay in Your Insanity Zone: We all know, a little crazy goes a long way.   A little crazy is charismatic, a bit more is convenient as well, at times when your subjects attempt to use reason on you.  But when you go too far into crazy, we’ve all seen what happens.  You lose it, and become a Highly-Ineffective Hitler.   This is a big no-no.  You must find the proper level of insanity and stick with it!

Habit Four: Locate Your Leni Riefenstahl:  A great Hitler needs to pair up with someone who can make him feel and look like a god.  Whether this be your presidential spokesperson or your tan-salon specialist, I cannot stress how important it is to locate top talent to keep your legend lookin’ good.

Well, that’s enough for today.  Perhaps you have a Habit to share that you have gleaned from the most-effective Hitlers in your midst.  You might be surprised how much you know and are willing to share about how to be an effective Hitler.





Signs of Our Time

17 01 2008

“Submission Accomplished”
-homemade bumpersticker #1.

“Proud parent of a turn indicator user”
-homemade bumpersticker #2.

Loud religious debate overheard on the street at lunch today:
“That would be in the Bible: Have you read the motherfucker?”

Finally, overheard in the office moments ago:
“The human body is like 110 percent water.”

 Got any similarly-wonderful signs-of-our-time to share?  
Oh come on, I know you do, so give um up!





We Secretly Replaced the World’s Democracies with Folger’s Crystal Coffee

13 01 2008

And no one noticed the difference!

Citizens the world round are delighted by Folgers Crystals instant coffee in place of the usual, slow-brewed democracy. In polls people prefer it 20 to one.

Here’s a few responses from customers who were pleasantly surprised:

“I can’t believe this is instant coffee!  I would have sweared this was the usual constitutional three-branch representative democracy that I always enjoy after a big meal.”

“This is Folger’s Crystals?  I’m switching right away.  I can’t believe I’ve been making messy, time-consuming government by and for the people all this time!  I could have just added hot water!”

“Did you say this was Folgers? Amazing.  Before tonight, I wouldn’t have touched instant coffee, but now that you’ve tricked me into it, well. I can say, only a fool would brew whole-bean representation when they could save themselves all that effort with instant.”

“Delicious.  I know a few non-democracies that would be interested in this stuff — it’s that good!”





Bad Apple Lasts One Whole Year!!

8 12 2007

To all those folks who land here at Bad Apple hoping to find out just how long a bad apple will last — a surprisingly large number of you, I must report — well, apparently it can last at least a year or more, and just get better and bad-er. 

What is the secret to this amazing longevity of attention span on my part to keep this extraordinary flow of sass coming?  I can only attribute my proliferation of perilous word journeys, aka “posts,” to having hit a vein in my rotten niche of the universe and so far, the content just burbles forth like molten lava from a secret cesspool spring in the land of crack-addicted wood elves. In other words, “Jenna Say, ‘Qua,‘” as the Frenchies put it.

I will admit, I gain almost endless inspiration from the theme of rotten, stinky stuff, and in the future I do hope to further explore the connection between historically-bad smells and inspired participatory democracy.  You see, Bad Apple is not out rotting in a vacuum or some remote backwoods desert planet.  Her decay is firmly rooted in the context of this modern mess we’ve made of the world.  To review: Bad smells equals better government.  That’s why we all need to turn a little rotten, develop our soft spots and otherwise devote ourselves to the making of stink.

That said, I feel I would be derelict to not thank a few of the characters who have made Bad Apple’s first year of Internet life so colorful and fun.  I am of course referring to the cannibal chickens, Terminato the Killer Tomato, Little Spud Rasta, not to mention all the wood elves, celebrity mayors, etc., my long-suffering partner Hank, and of course, everyone who slighted me in the slightest or otherwise fed the incredible beast in my breast, born in a blog, aka Bad Apple.

And thanks all of you readers, and the thousands of page views you have given to me.  It’s so great to know somebody out there supports this kind of rot.  And I would like to understand you more, and know the answer to the incredible conundrum of just how long a bad apple can last, and whether you can use it to make some kind of intoxicating drink.  So if you know the answers, or even if you don’t, you are welcome to leave a comment anytime, and join the incredible unpredictable madness that is actually the only sane path in this crazy, messed up section of God’s company town.  

In the future, everything will be made perfectly clear.  With enough time and cider, we’re all going to eventually find out the answer to the question that keeps me guessing: Just how bad can an apple be??