WTF is up with the Internet?

21 05 2015

cross eyes

Lately the internet is off the hook. Like it just started talking to me again out of the blue. Somehow on one of these 150 windows I have open, a video started playing itself.  What does it care if I’m in the public library or Hank is trying to sleep? Then, while I’m trying to shut it up desperately, a pop-up decides to take over the entire screen and hold it ransom.  There seems to be no way to stop it, short of throwing it against a wall with force. There is no little X. I just have to wait while this thing loads, and Hank wakes up grumpily or the librarian starts pounding her foot like a mad bull and snorts.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to get everything in the entire universe done on this pathetic torture device that is clearly going downhill fast. I can’t believe this thing actually has a camera pointing at me that could be free entertainment for the domestic spies.  Well, this stuff ain’t free boys. I mean this stuff on the blog is free, but this stuff not on the blog isn’t free. So stop watching videos on my windows because these pop-ups take hella time to load when you use all my RAM stealing my only way of earning a living. Bloody hell.





Now Get to Work Bee Otch

10 03 2014

Here’s an anthem for the times. Britney Spears distills a fresh approach to concepts or work, status and capitalist acquisitiveness in her satirical masterpiece: Work B**ch





Dear Army, Will You Please Draft Miley Cyrus?

6 09 2013

miley11

I don’t “normally” believe in the draft OR sending young people to war, but I think it’s obvious our society desperately needs to bring back the draft — for celebrities. I’m very concerned about this young woman, who is obviously ready to have her very own on-stage blitzkrieg if allowed. Her pointless aggression has reached a level that makes you wonder, what next? Why if that had been a machete instead of a foam finger in her hand, Robin Thicke would have been toast.

We haven’t seen such a big mess in female form since Lindsey Lohan, and she keeps her mess strictly off-stage. Anyway, Lindsey finally has learned to channel her rage into bad lip injections, but Miley?  Miley doesn’t seem about to turn to body reconstruction surgery any time soon, and certainly not soon enough to stop our next generation of females from turning into even more self-involved puppets of the dark forces taking over.

I think Miley would do well in Afghanistan or possibly Syria. A few tours of duty and we won’t have to endure any more acts like the one at the VMA. No wonder They hate us for our “Freedom.” It’s not for our talent, that’s for sure.





Labor Day: Am I Actually Expected to Celebrate This?

2 09 2013

Labor Day is the most befuddling day in the Western World.  It’s the day of the year we actually celebrate what we spend the other 364 denigrating.  What is so damn great about labor anyway, other than it keeps the lights on, the cable bill paid, and a modicum of peace on the street between 10 and 8? Umteenth cup of coffee and keep the boss off your neck so you won’t loose too much blood on any given day. Labor is hardly to be celebrated: It’s to be gotten over and forgotten in one too many barbecue beers. Read the rest of this entry »





Body Hair is the New Orange

25 08 2013


Keep it growing, gentlemen. We’re depending on you to not run a follicle. Big, buzzing, beastly body hair. It’s not just for baseball players anymore.





Big Hair + Big Beard = Big Style

13 08 2013
bearded one-page-0

Meet Hank. His hair is massive, and he’s got style for days.

Did you know that big man hair is back? I mean really big. “What died on your head?” big. I saw on the Tony awards that big man hair is really big in New York, so it’s only a matter of time now before the rest of the country is inundated with beard/hair combos that could hide whole families of lost squirrels, etc. We at badapple salute big-haired guys like our own trailblazer Hank. Who cares if they call you the Unabomber, honey? I certainly don’t!

You know, not every man can get away with this much hair in his life, but those who do are the envy of us all.





I have always depended on the benign neglect of strange databases

6 08 2013

Sorry, Blanche, there are no benign databases left, and I need to erase this post now from my so called serious site. Because you see, it’s not that funny anymore. Goodbye, Blanche. It may not be a streetcar named Desire, just a bus named after a dog. But at least it will get you out of town before the surfer robot killing squads show up.





Checking In on 2013: The Year I Take No Crap

7 07 2013

So with the year half over and all, I thought I’d check in on how the No Crap in 2013 Challenge is coming along. I had promised to kick the crap out of the crap this year, back in the delirium of late December when I succumbed to that annual mass hallucination known as the New Year’s resolution. Read the rest of this entry »





If I had a drone

31 03 2013
Meet your new co-worker, the Customer Assistance Drone, model QD13

Meet your new co-worker, the Customer Assistance model QD13

If I had a drone, the number one thing I’d like to do with it is send it to work in my place. I bet no one would mind (or maybe even notice) I wasn’t there, since the drone would be all anyone would be talking about.

The drone could sit behind the desk at the library in my place and direct people to what they need.  I’m sure a drone could handle that.  It should be easy for a drone.  I could download the entire library catalog to my drone, so when someone wanted books on navel oranges or Shamanism or Jim Thompson, the drone could just whiz right over to that section.  A drone wouldn’t even have to stop to look up the Dewey number, like I would. Read the rest of this entry »





2013: The Year I Take No Crap

31 12 2012

I asked myself what I really wanted for myself in twenty thirteen, and I decided that best gift of all would be if this is the year I finally take no more crap. From anybody.

I don’t know about you, but I took a lot of crap in 2012.  2013 really should be easy sailing because I’ve simply had enough crap to last.

Unfortunately, I’m aware I”m having one of those new year’s time hallucinations where I’m convinced momentarily that I can create and control change in my life.  I know full well the crap isn’t over.  The crap just keeps coming.  The crap never ends.  In real life, a “tough patch” isn’t always followed by a blessed reprieve.  In this world, the crap storm is followed by the crap fire and the crap flood.

So let’s drink to the crap!  The crap that doesn’t kill us is the crap that makes us stronger.  I plan to kick the crap out of the crap this year.

I see now that the crap is already on its way over to me across the crowded ballroom that will soon be 2013, but I’m not taking any crap, Crap.  I mean it!

How about you?  Will you join me in the No Crap in 2013 Challenge?  Just say no to the crap!