Pecked to Death by the Cannibal Chickens

27 03 2009

Well I’ll be dipped in the colonel’s secret sauce!  I just learned something ground splattering: Chicken cannibalism isn’t the new, che-che underground cult I thought it was. 

That’s right.  It turns out chicken cannibalism has been known about and written about for years, at least since 2002, when Jay Rossier wrote in Living with Chickens that:   “…grown chickens will sometimes peck on their coopmates under certain circumstances, and the results can be bloodily disastrous in a very short time.”

Jay devotes more than one disturbing page to describing the age-old practice of chicken cannibalism.  Why those cannibal chickens don’t even wait till their meal dies to start a’dining!  Just get too close under “certain circumstances” and that chicken’s liable to take a’pecking on you (if you’re a chicken, that is).  That’s taking this whole “living food” thing just way too far. 

When I was a small child, I had a chicken that liked to peck on me.  We named it “Pecky.”  And now I know that mean little pecker was really trying to filler-up on Me meat!  No thank you, I’ll take chickens who eat chicken over chickens who eat me any day of the year.

Of course, letting your chickens out to smoke and drink at the local cannibal chicken saloon is the quickest and surest way to stop this bloody disaster of live feeding.

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Go Go Girls of the Apocalypse is GOOD

28 10 2008
Go Go Girls of the Apocalypse is so funny, you will forget it’s actually about the apocalypse!  I mean, after a while you are like, “This is so satisfying and so unpredictable and such a fun read, but… there is this little voice I can barely hear at all that is tapping me on the shoulder at the edge of consciousness saying:” “Yeah, but this is about the end of the world.”
But hey, if you gotta have an end of the world, (and lately I wonder if it has to be sooner than later) you can go a lot worse than to spend it with Victor Gishler and his Go Go Girls of the Apocalypse. 




St. Valentine’s Day Soup for the Cannibal Chicken’s Soul

31 01 2008

Love is more-than-normally complicated for the perplexed chicken with a taste for… chicken, and the people who love them.

Cannibal chickens have mixed feelings about their double yearnings — for romantic love with another chicken on the one hand and for the gastronomic satisfaction of a barbecued breast and drumstick on the other. 

What with eating other chickens a real taboo among chickens, cannibal chickens typically must limit their romantic interest to other cannibal chickens.  This concentration of cannibal-chicken clans only serves to further distort their dietary freakishness, leading to a potential powder keg of Kentucky-fried cravings.

(Or at least so at my house.)

Anyway, until recently Valentine’s Day was a fairly lonesome affair for many a cannibal chicken who had no means of meeting other cannibal chickens for conversation, sex, or anything in between.  Until now.  Thanks to the Internet, cannibal chickens are making community like never before, on-line and off. 

Today, cannibal chicken raves and speak-easy-style singles bars (known as cluck-easy’s) are increasingly common in more chicken-dense counties.  Any fowl expert will tell you, these bird-eating birds are hooking up, hitching up, and hatching up more… cannibal chickens.

Coming up on Bad Apple in February, you’ll want to stay tuned for our super-sexy Valentines Day feature all about how some lucky cannibal chickens will be spending their V-Day at the most romantic chicken-roast for chickens you can possible imagine.  (Images of hot crackling chicken over a blazing fire and a room of revelling chicken couples toasting to romance and the growing underground cannibal-chicken-restaurant industry).

Then we’ll follow one couple out to a night of partying and dancing, including the first reports ever from inside San Francisco’s hippest cluck-easy’s.

Remember, Bad Apple is the only media outlet that provides any coverage of cannibal chickens, or that even admits they exist.

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More future stories in the works:

What it Means to Love a Cannibal Chicken.

Cannibal Chicken Graft Gangs: Community Success Strategies.

To Dress or Not to Dress Your Cannibal Chicken, 5 FAQs

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     Want more now?

Visit the original Chicken Soup for the Cannibal Chicken’s Soul book announcement that started it all. 

Visit all Bad Apple stories that mention the Cannibal Chickens.

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Oh, for a Cubed Dream Well Lived OR Is It a Lived Cube Well Dreamed?

9 10 2007

Lately, I’ve been preoccupied something terrible by my new cubicle in the basement. Princess Bad Apple, you see, was recently “sent to the dungeons” after her last job was sliced and diced in the new celebrity mayor budget. Don’t even get me started on celebrity mayor budgets – that’s a whole, other musical.

Anyway, about the time my latest grip on things started to slide, a new bible crossed my desk and suddenly everything that was fogging up my inner windshield went all crystal clear! The question, I realized now, was not between my eating, paying rent and beating back the ghost on this body age creep OR feeding my anorexic creative soul – the real question, it turned out, was whether to turn my grey windowless cubicle into a miniature working Irish Pub OR transcending the space into a heaven-sent cloud-lined nap-atorium. 

The book, Cube Chic: Take Your Office Space from Drab to Fab actually offered so many different design themes, I found myself at a design deadlock trying to determine my true future cube theme.  Oh, decisions, decisions. 

Well, decision-making has never been the strongman in my skill circus.  In fact one of my favorite modern television characters of all time is Toweley from South Park, a talking towel who gave me the life mantra we share, me and Toweley: “I choose….BOTH!”

That explains why I was pinning a grass skirt to my Tiki Cube file cabinet and astroturfing my Golf Cube bulletin board when I glanced at my NYC King Kong Cube inbox (where I’d chained my Rap Cube rim) and suddenly saw what an awful lot of work I had to catch up upon!!

Apparently while I had been either painting the asbestos floor tiles here with a colorful meditative design, or perhaps while I was brewing ice tea for my Library Cube brandy snifters, someone had dumped even more work on the work I already had been avoiding while I worked on adjusting to my new environment.

Besides the fact that all this work hardly fits into my whole cubicle design scheme as imagined (and of course the book doesn’t say word one what to do about that), yes, other than this, I’m adjusting to my new place in the world as can be expected. I will say, my dungeon-mates are exceptionally good to me down here. They understand me enough to know that when I crawl into my under-desk napitorium box and draw the grass curtain shut that it’s best to just leave me alone.





How the Irish Invented the Potato Smoothie

10 07 2007

Ireland may be the last island on the planet to discover smoothie drinks but as we all know, it was well worth the wait!  Now you can read the entire saga of tremendous events that lead to the creation of the first potato smoothie, an immediate international sensation that’s fast becoming a cold-drink classic.

The potato smoothie has been called “Rasta mango meets the pub spud,” and this new book, How the Irish Invented the Potato Smoothie, takes you right into all the key moments in the evolution of the potato smoothie.  You’ll learn how ravers in Northern Ireland met with Irish Rastafarians for one incredibly-consequential afternoon at Jamba McGillicutty’s Juice in downtown Dublin, when that first potato was put in a blender and suddenly, Everything changed.

“The potato smoothie rage is fascinating as a social movement and a cultural phenomenon.  The book offers a sweeping understanding of the unseen forces at work that went into that first potato smoothie, as well as a few basic recipes to get you started making your own.  I can’t recommend this book enough!”  —Professor Ari Laxt, Idaho Tech University

And now, coming soon: How the Irish Invented the Potato Smoothie, The Movie, starring Arnold Schwartzenegger as Jamba McGuillicutty and Angelina Jolie in the role of Little Spud Rasta.

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How the Irish Invented the Potato Smoothie was recently named the 2007 Winner of the Potato Book of the Year by the Urban Potato Council and their ongoing P.I.M.P. (Please, Ingest More Potatoes) initiative, which would like to take this opportunity to say:

Please, Ingest More Potatoes. 





Cannibal Chicken Stories for Cannibal Chickens’ Souls

7 07 2007

Here’s a few samples from the new book, Chicken Soup for the Cannibal Chicken’s Soul, previously announced here on Bad Apple.

It started with a disgarded McNugget, the cruel one threw it and laughed when I ate it.  I didn’t understand then.  I was eating my own kind.  And boy, did it taste good…. –by Never Looked Back

Here’s part of a piece we call “Pecky’s Story”

I was a mean kid. I’d peck and peck at my mates, until one day they found a KFC drumstick and locked me in a coop with it alone until I ate it.  They thought it would teach me something — it did: to crave KFC like nothing else…

From the chapter on Groups:

I was in a gang of chickens, we’d hang out in back of Pollo Loco.  We were sick freaks, we’d intimidate the staff into giving up some of that barbequed chicken. They’d throw it out the door and we’d tear into it like a pack of hyenas. Yeah, those were the days…. –by Tito

Of course, the chickens in the chicken commercials are the ultimate chicken cannibals, so of course there’s a chapter by one of them.  Carl the Commercial Chicken writes:

I know it’s a little wierd, me being a chicken and making a bundle off of dead chickens.  But it’s not that wierd, really, because, well, it’s only chicken! So who cares? You eat chicken, I eat chicken.  I sell chicken.  I am a chicken.  So what?  It’s all good….

Today it’s harder than ever to be a chicken cannibal, so please be nice to chicken cannibals and please buy this book, a portion of which will go to chicken cannibal rehabilitation.





Chicken Soup for the Cannibal Chicken’s Soul

9 06 2007

It’s not easy being a cannibal chicken, eating other chickens all the time.  That’s why our editors have brought together 56 of the most heartwarming cannibal chicken stories you can imagine.   We cover every stage of the chicken cannibal’s life, from the lost innocence of the first taste to the guilty pleasures of snacking on KFC and McNuggets. 

Each uplifting story will remind readers why they became chicken cannibals in the first place, ultimately affirming their difficult diet choice in the face of noisy and smelly opposition.

Readers who bought this, also purchased these titles:

Human Soup for the Chicken Soul

Chicken Soup for the Tuna Fish Soul

Do let us know what titles you would like to see us produce next.