Labor Day: Am I Actually Expected to Celebrate This?

2 09 2013

Labor Day is the most befuddling day in the Western World.  It’s the day of the year we actually celebrate what we spend the other 364 denigrating.  What is so damn great about labor anyway, other than it keeps the lights on, the cable bill paid, and a modicum of peace on the street between 10 and 8? Umteenth cup of coffee and keep the boss off your neck so you won’t loose too much blood on any given day. Labor is hardly to be celebrated: It’s to be gotten over and forgotten in one too many barbecue beers. Read the rest of this entry »





If I had a drone

31 03 2013
Meet your new co-worker, the Customer Assistance Drone, model QD13

Meet your new co-worker, the Customer Assistance model QD13

If I had a drone, the number one thing I’d like to do with it is send it to work in my place. I bet no one would mind (or maybe even notice) I wasn’t there, since the drone would be all anyone would be talking about.

The drone could sit behind the desk at the library in my place and direct people to what they need.  I’m sure a drone could handle that.  It should be easy for a drone.  I could download the entire library catalog to my drone, so when someone wanted books on navel oranges or Shamanism or Jim Thompson, the drone could just whiz right over to that section.  A drone wouldn’t even have to stop to look up the Dewey number, like I would. Read the rest of this entry »





I’m almost ready for my Holiday coma

17 12 2012

There’s a lot to do to prepare for the holidays, especially if you plan to take a big nap and wake up January 2nd.  I’m looking forward to the “rest.”  I always look forward to a little time off, completely checked out of consciousness for just a little while.  I used to come back from the holiday furlough strained and anxious from all that magnificently-unfulfilled expectation and Christmas music.  But now I come back rested and free of holiday pain, and without my liver being singed with all that self medication.

Yes, I’m almost ready for my temporary voluntary holiday coma.  How about you?

 

Read more about Holiday comas at Comatose for the Holidays





Punctuation Abuse Is a Serious Crime!

12 04 2012

Let me ask you this:  How many question marks does it take to ask a question?  I know it seems obvious, but some people don’t seem to know.  So here’s the answer:  It takes ONE question mark to write a question, at least in English.  So why are some people addicted to no fewer than three question marks per sentence?

Rare enough in published language, this excessive punctuation is all too frequently received in communiques directed only at me.  Each time, this crowd of wondering sentence-enders pummels me like a shotgun of inquisition when it appears in my personal incoming notes, letters, and emails,  which it too often does. Did you get my email???  Did you do what I asked???  Where’s the document???

Every extra squiggle is like a little mental whip beating my naked vulnerable grey matter into a bloody submission.   Worst of all, these writers are not particularly desperate for an answer.  They do this to nearly all their sentences, blithely churning out interrogation point after interrogation point after interrogation point, as if each added one were not the printed equivalent of a Malatov cocktail.

Somewhere, a poor punctuation bank sits empty because people keep adding another and another and another mark to otherwise perfectly good one-question mark questions.  Meanwhile, these superfluous scrawls send me to the end of my sanity when I receive them.  Why?  Why? Why three?  One is enough.  Two is over the top. Three is ruinous.  Four and you oughta be arrested.

The problem here is a lack of repercussions.  People are abusing punctuation with impunity.  There is no punctuation prison, or even punctuation stockades.  Punctuation abuse is a serious offense, but I’m guessing that it’s nothing a little good old-fashioned humiliation wouldn ‘t cure.





Declaring a Disaster Capitalism Area

4 06 2011

Ah, Springtime is in the air.  Noses are running and budgets are being trimmed to the marrow.  It’s an all out attack on the senses for someone allergic to everything they bothered to test for.  And now bad apple’s own job is up on the chopping block, like so much liver and giblets.  And no one wants to see their own giblets up there, hanging out, believe you me.

Remember this, for posterity: In the Great Depression we bailed out the people, in the Great Recession we bailed out the banks.

Who’d have thought all this mortage mess would lead to a proposal to demolish a whole city’s library system?  Sheesh.  What’s next, Orwell?  Cameras everywhere?  Check. Big Bro watching your every click? Check.  Media/Power conglomeration? Check.  Anti-Democratic forces affecting structural changes? Check.

Keeping one’s passport in order isn’t a bad idea.  Call me paranoid, but ever since college I’ve had this semi-irrational fear of surfboy paramilitary robots coming through and mowing down every last Greenpeace member in the state.

“Please, I swear, I only gave them $25 a year!  I never even read their newsletter, please!  I only paid them to leave me alone!”

Admittedly, this type of thing isn’t usually committed but South of the Border, which is why I had to make them California blond and wearing sunglasses over their dumb red-robot eyes.

We humans apparently still have a little time to fight this fate between now and June 21, at saveoaklandlibrary.org





Are You a Crappy Boss?

8 02 2008

Do you suck as a boss?  Inc.com has created a list of signs to help you discover if your employees can’t stand the sight of you and run in the other direction when they see you coming — in case you live in a cloud of blissful, mean ignorance, totally unaware what a giant jerk and bully you are to your workers.  

My personal favorite from the list: Too many ex-employees:

“If your staff falls away like linty Post-it notes, ask yourself: Is high turnover the problem? Or am I?”

Of course, if you are a crappy boss, this kind of wussy self-questioning probably isn’t your style anyway.  In that case, you might prefer the kind of advice found in the soon-to-be-published best-seller The Seven Habits of Highly-Effective Hitlers. 

Finally, I’d like to present a word of encouragement to crappy bosses and their poor victim-workers everywhere.  It’s a little motto that I live by, even had one of those trendy band bracelots made up special to always remind me of these wise, wise words:

 

Never Give Up…

 

Your Liver.





Seven Habits of Highly-Effective Hitlers

28 01 2008

Not every Hitler gets to take-over his own country.  Most have to be satisfied with dominating only the people they know and come into contact with everyday.  But that doesn’t stop you from becoming the most-effective Hitler you can be , if you just believe in yourself to the exclusion of all others!

Here’s a plan to keep even the most-self-conscious fascist on track:

Habit One: Maintain Your Power:  You have to keep power to get power, if you know what I mean.  You must never doubt yourself.  Critics aren’t just wrong, they’re Satan!  Never waiver on your path to total domination.  If you hear a little voice in your head questioning Habit One, clobber it.

Habit Two: Find Your Subjects:  Whether you plan to take-over your native country and spread your evil genicidal rot from there, or if you just want to rule your own little nuclear family with an iron fist, forming your children into messed-up and highly-ineffective adults — or something in between —  whatever your plan is, you need someone to dominate right now.  If a coup is out of the question, consider starting a family, or even getting a job in management.

Habit Three: Stay in Your Insanity Zone: We all know, a little crazy goes a long way.   A little crazy is charismatic, a bit more is convenient as well, at times when your subjects attempt to use reason on you.  But when you go too far into crazy, we’ve all seen what happens.  You lose it, and become a Highly-Ineffective Hitler.   This is a big no-no.  You must find the proper level of insanity and stick with it!

Habit Four: Locate Your Leni Riefenstahl:  A great Hitler needs to pair up with someone who can make him feel and look like a god.  Whether this be your presidential spokesperson or your tan-salon specialist, I cannot stress how important it is to locate top talent to keep your legend lookin’ good.

Well, that’s enough for today.  Perhaps you have a Habit to share that you have gleaned from the most-effective Hitlers in your midst.  You might be surprised how much you know and are willing to share about how to be an effective Hitler.