A Numbers Story: Today’s Learn to Write From Spam Lesson

20 07 2007

Some say spam is worse than worthless, but you can learn how to write real good from spam, I swear.  Today we examine one spammer’s statistics.  So let’s go ahead and take a look at the Spam of the Day, a perky little invite from someone named Blanche who writes:

 Good day,

Want to find a f*ckbuddy who lives near you?
92% of our members already got laid with the help of our dating system.

What else? it doesn’t cost a dime!

Bad Apple responds:

Dear Blanche,
Thanks for contacting me regarding finding a f*ckbuddy in my town — that’s quite tempting!  Your pitch gets points in the “short and sweet” category, but you could use some work on working those statistics, girl!

First off I gotta ask how you come by your numbers here, Ms. Chiquita Bonita?  What, you been exit polling the dates to determine your laid-to-unlaid ratio?  That’ll make you real popular, I bet. Or maybe you send a survey for folks to fill out after the date.  If so, try to get a few more details, okay?

Here’s an example of the type of more qualitative-style question you could be asking:

On a scale of one to ten, how laid would you say you got? One being “not real laid,” ten being “extremely laid.” So what is it, buddy?

Blanche, another point just between you me and the Viagra post: I have a trickling suspicion that what we are seeing here is a bit of “over reporting” on the male side of the equation, if you know what I mean.  A little wishful thinking by the fella’s – that’s what I’m guessing.  Here’s one way to check:  If the eight percent of folk who failed to find f*ckbuddy’s are ALL women, then probably that 92 percent figure is about as reliable as a story overheard in the middle-school boys’ locker room. 

(This assumes of course that your f*ckbuddy-finding service is mostly hetero.  If it isn’t, then, well, never mind.)

Oh, another lesson we could all learn from Blanche: Always proofread you spams, and also, try to sign your spam, even if it’s just a pseudonym.  Unsigned spam is so impersonal.

Blanche, nice try on this one!  I don’t buy your numbers, not for one minute.  But don’t change and never, never give up!  Thanks for thinking of me, and next time, remember to work those statistics, girl! 

Spambuddies forever, 

Bad Apple


Just Say “Yes” to Saddam’s Millions!

6 07 2007

Today on “Bad Apple Answers Your Spam,” Bad Apple responds to a US Army captain who has found Saddam’s millions, but just needs a few private bank account numbers to start “repatriating” the cash. First, Bad Apple’s response:

Dear Captain,

So glad you contacted me on the matter of repatriating this large wad of money.  Certainly, the vast sums must miss their motherland and want to come home by now.

Captain, sorry about the losses – ever wonder if the dough might be cursed?  On that topic, I don’t see why you are going to give me the larger portion for my troubles, what with you being bombed-at all the time over there in Iraq.  You do realize the only bombardment I’ve seen was on July Fourth right here in Outland, California, and no one was pointing their fireworks at me per se, so it hardly counts – it’s only a randomly-accidental killing field here, Daniel, at least, that is until the drive-by with my name on it comes a-calling.

One more thing, Captain, I’m a wee bit miffed about your question, “Can I Trust You?”  You do know who you are talking to here, right?  Do you have any idea how much work I’ve put into building Bad Apple’s good name, all for you to send it into splinters with those four little words?

It hurts me so much that you don’t know you can trust me. It almost makes me not want to send you my “telephone/fax numbers in order to forward to the African Bank for the release of the funds in your names or your company.”  ALMOST, that is, but I’m not a big enough fool to pass up getting my hands on Saddam’s millions over a small little trifling personal insult like that.  I will be sending you my mother’s bank account and pin number shortly.


Bad Apple

And here is the actual letter:

Capt Daniel L. Unger
of D Company, 2nd Battalion,
22nd Infantry Regiment
Good day,
In order to repatriating the sum of (US$25M) from undisclosed Bank.I have the courage to ask for your assistance to handle this important and confidential project believing that you will never let me down either now or in future.
I am Capt Daniel L. Unger, serving in the US Army of D Company, 2nd Battalion, 22nd Infantary Regiment, Iraq. As you know we are being attacked by insurgents everyday and car bombs. I and my crew members discovered $650M USD in Saddam Hussein’s palace in April 2003.
We managed to move away a total sum US$25 Million Dollars cash out from the $650M USD, mostly 100-dollar bills and was quickly flown out of the war zone and deposited in an undisclosed African Bank.
You can click on the below site for more details about the funds: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm
Unfortunately, the rest of my crew members have lost their lives to the wicked Iraqi insurgents. I therefore seek your partnership to assist me transfer these funds into your account and invest the funds without further delay. I will take 70% while you take the other 30% for all your effort.
If you are interested I will send you the full details but my fear is Can I trust you? When you receive this letter, kindly send me an e-mail signifying your interest including your most confidential telephone/fax numbers in order to forward to the African Bank for the release of the funds in your names or your company.
If interested reply Asap.
Capt. Daniel L. Unger – USA.

Learn to Write Profeshunal-Like From Sp*m

19 06 2007

Forget what spam does to your email, what about what it does to the English language? The creative minds behind these scams and schemes rarely let good grammar slow down their enthusiasm for lucrative communications. That’s why this new class of business writers will benefit from my latest book: Learn to Write Profeshunal-Like for Spammers. It’s also useful for anyone who wants to write more profeshunal-like. Below I’ve placed a small sample of the kind of solid-gold advice the book imparts by responding to actual spam from real-life spammers!

Here’s Bad Apple’s response. The actual spam letter follows:

Ali, Ali, Ali,

What turnip truck do I appear to have just fallen off of? We don’t have turnip trucks that big and that dumb here in Outland, California. We just don’t buy that many turnips here, Ali.

Ali, first of all, we need to work on those spelling errors. How do you expect to be taken seriously when you say you work at the Bank of Afrieca? I know, correct spelling is a fascist ogre invented by stick-up-their-butt perfectionists, but as profeshunals, we have to choose our fascist ogres to carry around, you know. That’s the mark of maturity, my friend.

Also, hope you don’t mind the further constructive feedback, Ali, but come on, asking for my bank account number up front – really, how gauche! You need to hold up on that until I’ve taken the bait, my friend. I need to feel like you care first. Then I’ll be happy to give you even my mother’s bank account number!

Overall, the letter could use some editing down. The part about the next of kin – yawn. Very rambling, Ali. Much better to keep them wanting more. More is less, my good dear pal. Good luck to you. I hope these tips provide the Midas Touch for you to find all the dead-people kin you ever desired. Awful good of you to not want that cash to go to the bank treasury- you really are a selfless lad to go to all the trouble.


Bad Apple

The Original Letter:

FROM THE DESK OF MR. ali bello.
Dear Friend ,
I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of Bank Of Africa. Read the rest of this entry »

Bad Apple Answers Your Spam! A Heartfelt Response to Son of Wealthy But Dead Cocoa Merchant

25 04 2007

Announcing a new feature here at Bad Apple’s Rot Report: Bad Apple Answers Your Spam!! Just insert your phishing email or spam request in the comment box, and Bad Apple will take a whack at providing an appropriate response to your most difficult and creative spam!

Below is Bad Apple’s earliest effort to respond to the sincere and troubled world of an Internet phisher.  I’ve included the original letter at the bottom.

Bad Apple writes:

Dearest Taylor,

So sorry to hear about Dad’s poisoning. That’s rough. Glad you managed to slip into exile though, and I’m really glad you contacted me about the matter of your oodles of money hidden away in trust. Whoever gave you my name, and I’m trying to think just who that might be, well, they sure did you a BIG favor! For I’m one super-trustworthy Bad Apple! 

You don’t need to worry that I’m going to cheat you or ask for any money up-front or your pin codes or anything like that. But Taylor, please understand, I will need a photo of you, only to make sure you are as cute as you sound. I mean if you are going to be living in a corner of my living room while I home-school you with my own brand of California world knowledge, I just need to make sure you aren’t completely homely or icky-looking. Read the rest of this entry »

My Fifth Third Rant: Inordinate Ordinal Usage

31 01 2007

Do you get scams in your email from an operation called Fifth Third Bank? What kind of name is that? Is that some kind of Brit thing? I’ve never seen this type of double-ordinal use before, and something about it bugs the crap out of me.

I mean, which is it, a fifth of a third or a third of a fifth? I don’t really care, but it sounds wishy-washy to have both be possible. Or perhaps it is the fifth bank called “Third,” meaning I somehow missed the first through fourth Third Banks. Whatever happened to them?

For godsake, why not make the brash move and call yourself “Fourth Bank.” You might just be the first at that (if so please, spare us the verbiage of calling yourself First Fourth Bank—the first part will be understood). Only a truly self-deprecating institution with no self-esteem whatsoever would call itself Fifth Third Bank. I mean how low on the totem pole do you want to set your brands’ horizons, anyway?

Read the rest of this entry »