Sorry for the Misplaced Poop Piece

17 07 2007

Oh bloody hell buckets, did I actually post my cat poop item over here at Bad Apple? Trust me, that was not some kind of clever pimplicity stunt to promote my Self Help for Cats site, I promise you. Rather it was a toggle problem with the user on my Blogdesk software, or in other words an Error Occurred Between Seat and Keyboard (EOBSK), or however my snarky IT friends like to put it.  (At which point, I want to announce Bad Apple’s official site motto, stolen from the pirate furniture-movers code: “It’s not my fault.”)

Should you be dying to read the piece “Think Outside the Box, Don’t Poop Outside the Box,” far be it from me to stand in your way.  But you’ll have to go over the Self Help for Cats.

Wow, I’m incredibly good at this!


Putrid Foulness: Our Best Hope for Humanity?

7 06 2007

Ever noticed how nothing on Earth gets people politically activated faster than a really foul stink? Democracy may have eroded away beyond recognition in the breast of most of us overly-entertained and utterly-distracted citizens of the first world, and we may allow the powers that want-to-be to really screw things up for everyone, just as long as things don’t begin to actually reek.

But watch out world, because once offense occurs on an olfactory level, there’s nothing that can put our Yankee Doodle dandy back in the box, at least not until things return to smell-o-librium.

Now usually, all of the worst smelling things in life are dead, and normally they get well buried away to keep everything running smoothly up here on surface Earth. But ever so often, something goes haywire and a whale washes up on some beach to stink for weeks while the bureaucrats shrug. Or that really smelly rendering plant gets a little too close to the encroaching neighborhoods, and suddenly you have a mini-American revolution all over again – citizens finding their voices on behalf of their noses. It’s enough to bring a tear to this freedom daughter’s eye.

Remember, a foul-scented inspiration is an inspiration nonetheless, and we spoiled modern humans need to find something that will inspire us to progress. After all, there are a lot of terrible things that come in through the eyes and ears that one can ignore, justify, and shirk-off, but a rancid smell of death and decay is not the kind of everyday atrocity that is so effortlessly filtered.

The human race cannot afford to look down our noses at this promising link between popular power and the schnaz – let us instead use our noses to direct the leaders who would lead us by our noses. Adding an olfactory component to politics could only effect growth and change for the better, and to that end, I say bring on the Smell-O-Vision – if only for the sake of the news. If Americans could just smell our foreign policy for once, I know we wouldn’t stand for it one more stinking repulsive minute!

Meat Your Match: Innocent Internet Quiz Step One to Hanky Panky

27 03 2007

So this is how the torrid affair begins.  All I did was try to find out what type of meat I am.  Now I’m getting personal ads in my email from vivacious singles who live right down the street.   

Let me assure you, I’m an innocent in all of this. One minute I was reading about why I’m corned beef, next thing I know some guy screen-named “goyum” is well, add your own racy meat metaphor here.  Ready to slip me his sausage.  Makin’ Bacon.  Something crude about a ham sandwich. 

Probably happens all the time, this kind of unintentional meat-up orchestrated by Internet matchmakers with a big streak of entree-prey-neur.  I wonder what they get out of hooking me up to this virtual meat market?  I never said I was lookin’.  All I did wrong was take an Internet quiz that promised to tell me what type of meat is my spiritual advisor.

Naturally, it was a little disappointing to find out my life is guided by the spirit of corned beef.  Read the rest of this entry »

Bad Apple Says “Hello World”

6 12 2006

Yowza, I’m off & blogging! Hello indeed world, and welcome to Bad Apple, where you’ll read all the rot that’s fit to, well, not exactly print, but, you know, travel around as data to various strangers. Boy do we ever need to work on this e-language problem. We need more new words, and fortunately, Bad Apple is like a new-word nursery. We’ll be making up new words, covering extremely important developments as they randomly filter through the cider, and otherwise be of incredible valuble service to the human race. What, no spell check in WordPress? — yes, this is going to be new word city.

[Note: Bad Apple eventually found the spell check in WordPress, thank goodness, and she really needs to get going on the new words as promised.  Sorry about that.  3/3/07]