Celebrity Mayor Meets With Crack-Head Wood Elves

10 10 2007

Just to prove even Bad Apples can be burdened with a conscience, I admit that I do, I feel a tiny twinge of something approaching guilt over having put Mayor Sellums in the Celebrity Mayor category in yesterday’s post.  I agree, it’s still early in the game.  It’s only been a year.  Give him a chance, the little twinge tells me.  Things look bad, yes, but he still has a couple more years to really blow it.

After all, at least Outland’s latest Celebrity Mayor is famous for being a politician, but then again, so was the last one and he was the worst of all, even worse than Mayor Willy, another celebrity politician Celebrity Mayor I suffered under, back when I resided over the bay waters in San Franabismal. In fact, now that I think about it, celebrity politicians may prove to be the worst Celebrity Mayors of them all, if you can imagine that’s even possible! 

So naturally it’s so hard to keep an open mind about Mayor Sellums, even though, yes, he had a great run over there in Congress, and even if he practically had to teach them old boys social justice at the ABC level, even if he pretty much shook down South African apartheid with his little finger — let’s remember, this here is the City of Outland we’re talking about now.  This place eats Celebrity Mayors for a midnight toothpick.

The problem is, it’s one thing to take on the seat of national and international power, the good old boys, the White House, etc.  It’s quite another to take on the local gangs, the good old city bureaucrats, the Crack Houses, etc.  

Probably anyone would choose being stroked and seduced by a harem of Satan’s lobbyists over a forced listening-to of local activists trying to save the last transvestite albino Redwood tree and its population of homeless wood elves addicted to hookers and crack.  I mean, who wouldn’t?? 

The fact is, there’s very little in life that a fat check from a cute lobbyist can’t solve or at least make feel a little better.  But almost nothing in life can be done about those crack-addicted wood elves.  Those things be hella nasty!

Well, Mayor Sellums, may the Force be with you as you take on the armies of gnome, leprechauns, pink lawn flamingos, iron maidens, ugly Betty’s, and every other kind of citizen here in the great cheesefood-melt of Outland, California.  Remember, we only expect you to fix everything, and chopping Bad Apple’s job in your first budget really is not something we here call an “auspicious start.”




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