A Numbers Story: Today’s Learn to Write From Spam Lesson

20 07 2007

Some say spam is worse than worthless, but you can learn how to write real good from spam, I swear.  Today we examine one spammer’s statistics.  So let’s go ahead and take a look at the Spam of the Day, a perky little invite from someone named Blanche who writes:

 Good day,

Want to find a f*ckbuddy who lives near you?
92% of our members already got laid with the help of our dating system.

What else? it doesn’t cost a dime!

Bad Apple responds:

Dear Blanche,
Thanks for contacting me regarding finding a f*ckbuddy in my town — that’s quite tempting!  Your pitch gets points in the “short and sweet” category, but you could use some work on working those statistics, girl!

First off I gotta ask how you come by your numbers here, Ms. Chiquita Bonita?  What, you been exit polling the dates to determine your laid-to-unlaid ratio?  That’ll make you real popular, I bet. Or maybe you send a survey for folks to fill out after the date.  If so, try to get a few more details, okay?

Here’s an example of the type of more qualitative-style question you could be asking:

On a scale of one to ten, how laid would you say you got? One being “not real laid,” ten being “extremely laid.” So what is it, buddy?

Blanche, another point just between you me and the Viagra post: I have a trickling suspicion that what we are seeing here is a bit of “over reporting” on the male side of the equation, if you know what I mean.  A little wishful thinking by the fella’s – that’s what I’m guessing.  Here’s one way to check:  If the eight percent of folk who failed to find f*ckbuddy’s are ALL women, then probably that 92 percent figure is about as reliable as a story overheard in the middle-school boys’ locker room. 

(This assumes of course that your f*ckbuddy-finding service is mostly hetero.  If it isn’t, then, well, never mind.)

Oh, another lesson we could all learn from Blanche: Always proofread you spams, and also, try to sign your spam, even if it’s just a pseudonym.  Unsigned spam is so impersonal.

Blanche, nice try on this one!  I don’t buy your numbers, not for one minute.  But don’t change and never, never give up!  Thanks for thinking of me, and next time, remember to work those statistics, girl! 

Spambuddies forever, 

Bad Apple

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3 responses

20 07 2007
Diesel

I’ve got a “dating system” with even better odds than that. It’s called fat, ugly chicks.

22 07 2007
badapple

Whatever gets you through the dark night of the soul, ye of fuelish moniker. You hope it’s dark anyway.

Just one question: You wouldn’t happen to be a fat, ugly chick yourself, would you “Mr.” Diesel? It’s okay if you are. Bad Apple likes folks who break the mold, the bed, the will of the regime, etc.

6 08 2007
Diesel

Well, I’m not fat, but I am an extremely ugly chick. I’m 6’2″ and have a beard and an adam’s apple.

Actually, I’m also married to a very pretty, non-fat chick (not that there’s anything wrong with that). 🙂

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