Just Say “Yes” to Saddam’s Millions!

6 07 2007

Today on “Bad Apple Answers Your Spam,” Bad Apple responds to a US Army captain who has found Saddam’s millions, but just needs a few private bank account numbers to start “repatriating” the cash. First, Bad Apple’s response:

Dear Captain,

So glad you contacted me on the matter of repatriating this large wad of money.  Certainly, the vast sums must miss their motherland and want to come home by now.

Captain, sorry about the losses – ever wonder if the dough might be cursed?  On that topic, I don’t see why you are going to give me the larger portion for my troubles, what with you being bombed-at all the time over there in Iraq.  You do realize the only bombardment I’ve seen was on July Fourth right here in Outland, California, and no one was pointing their fireworks at me per se, so it hardly counts – it’s only a randomly-accidental killing field here, Daniel, at least, that is until the drive-by with my name on it comes a-calling.

One more thing, Captain, I’m a wee bit miffed about your question, “Can I Trust You?”  You do know who you are talking to here, right?  Do you have any idea how much work I’ve put into building Bad Apple’s good name, all for you to send it into splinters with those four little words?

It hurts me so much that you don’t know you can trust me. It almost makes me not want to send you my “telephone/fax numbers in order to forward to the African Bank for the release of the funds in your names or your company.”  ALMOST, that is, but I’m not a big enough fool to pass up getting my hands on Saddam’s millions over a small little trifling personal insult like that.  I will be sending you my mother’s bank account and pin number shortly.

Sincerely,

Bad Apple

And here is the actual letter:

Capt Daniel L. Unger
of D Company, 2nd Battalion,
22nd Infantry Regiment
 
Good day,
 
In order to repatriating the sum of (US$25M) from undisclosed Bank.I have the courage to ask for your assistance to handle this important and confidential project believing that you will never let me down either now or in future.
 
I am Capt Daniel L. Unger, serving in the US Army of D Company, 2nd Battalion, 22nd Infantary Regiment, Iraq. As you know we are being attacked by insurgents everyday and car bombs. I and my crew members discovered $650M USD in Saddam Hussein’s palace in April 2003.
 
We managed to move away a total sum US$25 Million Dollars cash out from the $650M USD, mostly 100-dollar bills and was quickly flown out of the war zone and deposited in an undisclosed African Bank.
 
You can click on the below site for more details about the funds: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm
 
Unfortunately, the rest of my crew members have lost their lives to the wicked Iraqi insurgents. I therefore seek your partnership to assist me transfer these funds into your account and invest the funds without further delay. I will take 70% while you take the other 30% for all your effort.
 
If you are interested I will send you the full details but my fear is Can I trust you? When you receive this letter, kindly send me an e-mail signifying your interest including your most confidential telephone/fax numbers in order to forward to the African Bank for the release of the funds in your names or your company.
 
If interested reply Asap.
 
Respectfully,
 
Capt. Daniel L. Unger – USA.

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4 responses

6 07 2007
D. Peace

Nice. Have you answered the guy who keeps asking me to take pills to increase the size of my penis?

6 07 2007
distorted

Well, to be fair, at least the spammers are trying to form real sentences now, although you can still clearly tell that some guy from Singapore wrote it, based on the incorrect usage and tenses in spots. I also find it humorous that the whole course of events would never occur that way. You can’t just randomly fly $25 million in 100-dollar-bills out of the country, especially as only a captain in the armed forces. Nice try spammers, but you’re just not quite there yet.

7 07 2007
Joe Carey

Hello. I am eager to get myself on the bad side of the US military and government in general. Can you forward me Capt. Unger’s contact information so that I, too, can give him my bank account numbers and other vital statistics?

7 07 2007
badapple

Joe – I don’t understand. Wouldn’t bringing this kind of money home be the most American, patriotic thing we could do with it? That and spending it, of course, on lavish items that will trickle down to help workers the world over — (I say “the world over” because we know Americans hardly make anything anymore.) Sure, Uncle Sam would love to get hold of the cash for his own bling spree, but all’s fair in love, war, and spam — that’s what I’m learning. Please understand, I can’t really share Captain Unger’s vitals with you as he did contact me first.

D. Pearce – Thanks for your comment and suggestion — the penis re-sizers have been added to my To Do list.

distorted – Excellent point — I noticed a superior grammar here compared to most samples of the spam genre. Only a few problems with verb tense gave them away as probably not native English speakers. They get points for trying! As for your other point, are you telling me that I’m not about to become sickeningly rich care of the captain?? That’s hard to hear. I had plans for that money.

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