Learn to Write Profeshunal-Like From Sp*m

19 06 2007

Forget what spam does to your email, what about what it does to the English language? The creative minds behind these scams and schemes rarely let good grammar slow down their enthusiasm for lucrative communications. That’s why this new class of business writers will benefit from my latest book: Learn to Write Profeshunal-Like for Spammers. It’s also useful for anyone who wants to write more profeshunal-like. Below I’ve placed a small sample of the kind of solid-gold advice the book imparts by responding to actual spam from real-life spammers!

Here’s Bad Apple’s response. The actual spam letter follows:

Ali, Ali, Ali,

What turnip truck do I appear to have just fallen off of? We don’t have turnip trucks that big and that dumb here in Outland, California. We just don’t buy that many turnips here, Ali.

Ali, first of all, we need to work on those spelling errors. How do you expect to be taken seriously when you say you work at the Bank of Afrieca? I know, correct spelling is a fascist ogre invented by stick-up-their-butt perfectionists, but as profeshunals, we have to choose our fascist ogres to carry around, you know. That’s the mark of maturity, my friend.

Also, hope you don’t mind the further constructive feedback, Ali, but come on, asking for my bank account number up front – really, how gauche! You need to hold up on that until I’ve taken the bait, my friend. I need to feel like you care first. Then I’ll be happy to give you even my mother’s bank account number!

Overall, the letter could use some editing down. The part about the next of kin – yawn. Very rambling, Ali. Much better to keep them wanting more. More is less, my good dear pal. Good luck to you. I hope these tips provide the Midas Touch for you to find all the dead-people kin you ever desired. Awful good of you to not want that cash to go to the bank treasury- you really are a selfless lad to go to all the trouble.

Yours,

Bad Apple

The Original Letter:

FROM THE DESK OF MR. ali bello.
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA-(BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO. CONFIDENTIAL.
Dear Friend ,
I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of Bank Of Africa.(BOA) I am writing following the impressive information about you through one of my friends who runs a consultancy firm in your country. He assured me of your capability and reliability to champion this businees opportunity. In my departmentn we discovered an abandoned sum of $ 27.2m US dollars (million US dollars) . In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in november 2000 in a plane crash. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.
It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we dont want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.
The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after five years, the money will be transfered into the Bank treasury as unclaime fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. We agree that 30 % of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account,10 %will be set aside for expenses incured during the business and 60 %would be for ;me and my colleagues.
There afterI and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement accoding to the percentages indicated.Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted .Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should no entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer . You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately. Yours faithfully
MR. ali bello.
Bill and exchange manager,
Bank of Afrieca.(BOA)

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One response

19 06 2007
Dion

As a matter of practicality, the size of the paragraphs and the sheer verbosity of the spam automatically limits its appeal. You’re right about it needing a good trim, but even just breaking the text up into manageable chunks would really help to improve readability.

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