Bad Apple Answers Your Spam! A Heartfelt Response to Son of Wealthy But Dead Cocoa Merchant

25 04 2007

Announcing a new feature here at Bad Apple’s Rot Report: Bad Apple Answers Your Spam!! Just insert your phishing email or spam request in the comment box, and Bad Apple will take a whack at providing an appropriate response to your most difficult and creative spam!

Below is Bad Apple’s earliest effort to respond to the sincere and troubled world of an Internet phisher.  I’ve included the original letter at the bottom.

Bad Apple writes:

Dearest Taylor,

So sorry to hear about Dad’s poisoning. That’s rough. Glad you managed to slip into exile though, and I’m really glad you contacted me about the matter of your oodles of money hidden away in trust. Whoever gave you my name, and I’m trying to think just who that might be, well, they sure did you a BIG favor! For I’m one super-trustworthy Bad Apple! 

You don’t need to worry that I’m going to cheat you or ask for any money up-front or your pin codes or anything like that. But Taylor, please understand, I will need a photo of you, only to make sure you are as cute as you sound. I mean if you are going to be living in a corner of my living room while I home-school you with my own brand of California world knowledge, I just need to make sure you aren’t completely homely or icky-looking.

Awful nice of you to offer me a percentage of Dad’s bloodmoney, and it really isn’t necessary, but while you are already on the topic and all, any chance you can give a ballpark of the actual percentage we are talking about here. I mean, you want me to get you some kinda permit, and that’s bound to be pretty freaking time-consuming, so understand, time doesn’t grow on trees and neither does its second cousin, money. So how much money are we talking about, Taylor?

With luv from your dearest pal,

Bad Apple

On April 25, Taylor Williams wrote:

Dearest Friend,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I beleive you are a reputable and responsible trustworthy person I can do business with, as a matter of trust, I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.

My father was a very wealthy Cocoa Merchant based in Abidjan, the Economic Capital of Cote D’ Ivoire. He was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings to discuss a business deal. Before he died on the 24th November 2003 in a Private Hospital in Abidjan, he secretly called me to his bedside and told me that he has the sum of 25.5 Million United States Dollars deposited as “Photographic Materials” with a Security Trust Company in Europe with my name as the Next of kin.

Also his last words, was that I should move out of my country through a neighbouring country to any safe place for cover [Exile] immediately after his burial, then from there that I should find a possible way of moving out of Africa and naturalize in a foreign country where I can put up solid investment with with the money.

Right now, am staying in London-United Kingdom with a family. My father’s advise was that I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for Investment purposes specifically, he advised that I should invest in Real Estate.I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways; 1. To serve as the guardian of this fund, 2. To assist me in putting this sum of money in safe keeping by accepting to recieve it from the Security company with a letter of Authorization from me, 3. To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and,4. To secure residential permit for me in your country.

I am willing to offer you a percentage that you will not refuse from the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful completion of the transaction.To commence, I will need you to send to me your Telephone and Fax Numbers for further communication. If you are not Interested, Please do not reply to this mail, delete it from your system. Thank you while expecting to hear from you soon.

Taylor Williams

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One response

18 05 2007
arnoldthemethodical

Dear Bad Apple
I can barely be bothered to comment on blogs any more because I have won the Spanish lottery(50 milliom euros) The excellent Dr Fernandez has asked me to keep my win secret;because of an administrative error . Well there would be as I have never been to Spain in my life. Wouldn’t it be fun to send the details of Taylor Williams back to Dr Fernandez and visa-versa .

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