2008 Out with a Wham

For all my life I’d like to write a nice normal post about how great my writing career is going over on my straight-person Website, but it always sounds so lame and I end up back over here at Bad Apple with a twisted-up lampoon of what I had started. 

That’s probably because my writing career isn’t going all that well, people, and my best writing can’t hide that fact, even from myself.  And I’ve noticed lately that in this particular time and space and planet, life pounds on like a 24-7 shit storm, and it’s just barely possible to extract a positive number of calories while securing a home and two shoes that appear to match — socks and underware — the whole nine hundred and ninety-nine fucking yards.

One thing I know, though, is that however hellacious the toxic dump of my attitude may wreak right now, tomorrow is another day, and not JUST another day, friends, but a whole new year! And I’m confident that once my eyes pop open in the new annum, I’ll be a new girl in a new world.

So in 2009, I look forward to days of long blissful moments in between publishing my novels, weekends at the ranch in Yosemite with Salman Rushdie, a stream of chocolates, accolades, controversies and awards, and happy little posts from paradise.  May it happen to you, too!!

Extraordinary Cannibal Chickens

Things had been surprisingly quiet around here since a certain brown paper package arrived in the mail last month.  Seeing how the cannibal chickens took a major hit in their 401k of late, they seemed to be taking it far too well.  Except for the dark bags and circles around their cocks combs, they seemed about as content and at peace as any chicken who eats chicken can hope to be or should expect. 

What was the secret behind the gentle satisfaction that had crept into their clucks?  What was in that paper package, and could I have some?

Got BARF? Blogger Afflicted by Realworld Facts Syndrome

Has the real world afflicted your Bloggerness?  I myself have a raging case of BARF, aka Blogger Afflicted by Realworld Facts.  My blogger equilibrium has been ruined for months now, and I’m so sorry.   It really sucks to have to try to get a blogger groove going again after all my previous BARFing around earlier this fiscal year. 

Bloody hell, it’s like three steps forward three miles back, have you noticed?  And it’s all the fault of those greedy gas executives.  Okay, maybe I can’t claim a direct line between my inability to post with the price of gasoline, but it does explain my obsession with attempting to level my transportation spending by genetically manipulating old Hank over there. 

Not that I have the time to feed self and horsecraft anymore, or the money.  I for one find it exceedingly exorbitant to house body, soul and Hank/horse-hybrid in a Left Coast locale.  Why, life has become downright untenable out here Cal-lee-for-niy-aye Way.  

That’s why I plan to freeze myself and Hank-horse over there, here and now, in the prime of life (for me anyway – Hank’s another story).  Imagine the wonder when we awake un-aged, woman and centaur, in a kinder, more evolved future. What do you think? Want to make it a group date?

I’ll try to keep posting more before my date with The Big Freeze (just in time for the holidays!). Because BARF must be conquered one post at a time.