Bad Apple’s Ballot:

It’s another ho-hum election day in California. I know I’m supposed to be overjoyed by my choices — I’m not.  Can anyone explain, why oh why does such a creative state as California always have to have such a dry, legalistic ballot?

I’m tired of these meaningless measures and the brain-killing language they ride in on.  Who writes this crap, bureaucrats?  No wonder a majority of folks don’t want to vote anymore – It’s soooo BORING!  

It gives democracy a bad name, people.  How is democracy supposed to look youthful and fabulous, anyway, with all these stodgy dudes in beige suits trying to make it look like dull work?  We all know that behind closed doors our elected officials all put on tie-dye togas and dance around like the mortgage-dance cowboy. They don’t really fool anyone.  

Even adding a little more color and gender to the ballot doesn’t stop it from boring me to death over here.  It’s still the same old Coke versus Pepsi debate when I don’t drink either — that worthless sugar-water just rots the teeth, don’t you know?

If I ran the elections, you can bet that Bad Apple would spice things up a bit.  In Bad Apple’s election, we wouldn’t obsess over a little money spent on this or that, bondus boreyondous. Boring ballots are the elitists’ last defense, in case Americans’ ever-shortening attention span isn’t short enough, and if the out and out election fraud doesn’t, for some reason, take.

Bad Apple’s ballot, now there’s something else entirely!  Finally, a ballot worthy of citizen’s time — as inspiring as it is informative.  Critics everywhere would call it “the feel-good election ballot of the year!”

Of course, Bad Apple’s ballot would decide only the big and radically-important stuff.  Here are some possible initiatives that my ballot might put up for future vote:

-Should we continue cooking ourselves and the planet alive, or should we stop cooking ourselves and the planet alive?

-Should we vote fuckheads off the island?

-Should we tear down the City of (fill in the blank), and its incredibly backward traffic patterns, including that horrendous flash bulb camera set to catch red-light runners? 

–Should there be a law against celebrities becoming politicians and politicians becoming actors?

-Should the top two percent of uber-capitalists keep getting more and more loaded, or should we have them walk the plank, mateys?

-Lastly, should we outlaw beige suits and boring language from our politicians?  Isn’t it high time we make it hella sexy and endlessly faboo to protect our democracy from these devils in beige?  

Got something you’d like on the Bad Apple Ballot? Fresh, hot instant democracy available now at the drop of a comment (below).