More Crappy Time Management: Health Topics

Folks liked crappy time management so much, here’s another idea I had to save you even oodles more time than my previous advice: Don’t have a health condition. Better yet, don’t have a body.

A body takes SO much time and care, have you noticed? There’s the feeding, the sleeping, the exercise – do the time demands ever end on this thing? Nosiree, they just increase with time. Who came up with this contraption anyway?

As far as I can tell, a body is even worse than a job. It’s like two jobs. So ditch it. Ditch the body.

Go cyber, like me.

That’s right, I ditched my body and now I live in this Good Guys motherboard. I downloaded my brain in 1999 at the height of the dot com boom. Sure, I’m a little slow and obsolescent by today’s standards, but I haven’t had to do a sit-up in eight years. That’s why I’m so far ahead in the game of life. I just wish someone would come blow me. I mean blow on me. With one of those air cans, I mean.

Crappy Time Management Practices

I’ve been recombining my priorities lately because no one has any freaking bloody bleeding time anymore, last of all freaking me. Yeah this post is about crappy Time Management practices, and what not to do if you don’t want to never get anything done.

First of all, I want to say that whatever I do, I try to take the time to do it right. Then after a while I look up from what I’m doing, and I realize that with the time it takes to do it right, I will neverget it all done.  That’s when I know it’s time for some reality time management, an extreme mental makeover, otherwise known as a beer.

Now for real productivity, and I’m talking smokin’!, do not, repeat, do not plan on being employed.  A job is the #1 HUGE timewaster!  Having to work for a living is a clear formula for never getting anywhere with what matters, so break free of stupidalism’s soul-killing cycle of oppression just as soon as possible, ya hear?

Of course, that is, unless you are already perfectly happy doing just what you want every day of your life, in which case, I’m sure you must have some other problem, and bad apple will try to hit upon it soon. Drop me a comment, I’m sure I can help whatever ails you.

As for me, I’m trying to soon get to the heart of matters, because that probably is all I will get to, but even for that I only have about a nanosecond.  That is why I plan to rent the sleeping minds of housecats to help me figure it all out shortly. 

You can write me if you are interested in possibly renting your cats’ brains to this fine porpoise.  I promise to be very gentle and only use their minds from afar and only for the highest porpoises on the planet that I know.

Baby Needs Salt

Nina Plank, the author of a book called Real Food, recently caught my eye with her statement: “Babies are built from protein, fat, cholesterol, and fish oil.”

Naturally, with a ”baby recipe” that unorthodox, I recognized that this wasn’t my mother’s baby cookbook!  (I think that Nina is probably a baby boomer, too, but I wouldn’t even take a wild guess as to how many babies she’s boomed.)

Frankly though, Nina, I think you may want to dress this baby up a bit, as it’s not stimulating my salivary glands as is.  Baby needs a little salt, I think. Maybe with a little mayo between sourdough slices, I could swallow your gross fish-oil flavored baby – maybe, but then again maybe you haven’t hit upon your genre yet.  The remainder pile is filled with food authors who should have tried horror like you. 

That reminds me of a recipe for authors in the wrong genre: Take one parboiled food writer, puree their to-do list and serve it over a well-fried hard-drive at the stroke of mid-sentence.  Yum!

Still, Nina’s simple recipe for baby does bring me back to a delightful afternoon of offensive limerick-writing inspired by a very-family Thanksgiving.  That’s due to the only surviving limerick of that fine day:

Turkey’s on the table,
Baby’s in the oven,
Hey, I was first in line,
Better quit your shovin’!!!!!

Stay tuned next week for the first installment of my lard-slathered Baby Loaf Cheese Roast — just in time for the warm weather!