Bad Apple Answers Your Spam! A Heartfelt Response to Son of Wealthy But Dead Cocoa Merchant

Announcing a new feature here at Bad Apple’s Rot Report: Bad Apple Answers Your Spam!! Just insert your phishing email or spam request in the comment box, and Bad Apple will take a whack at providing an appropriate response to your most difficult and creative spam!

Below is Bad Apple’s earliest effort to respond to the sincere and troubled world of an Internet phisher.  I’ve included the original letter at the bottom.

Bad Apple writes:

Dearest Taylor,

So sorry to hear about Dad’s poisoning. That’s rough. Glad you managed to slip into exile though, and I’m really glad you contacted me about the matter of your oodles of money hidden away in trust. Whoever gave you my name, and I’m trying to think just who that might be, well, they sure did you a BIG favor! For I’m one super-trustworthy Bad Apple! 

You don’t need to worry that I’m going to cheat you or ask for any money up-front or your pin codes or anything like that. But Taylor, please understand, I will need a photo of you, only to make sure you are as cute as you sound. I mean if you are going to be living in a corner of my living room while I home-school you with my own brand of California world knowledge, I just need to make sure you aren’t completely homely or icky-looking.

Bad Apple’s Bad Tax Day Makes News Headline!

In case you were wondering whether Bad Apple ended up getting mashed into a recent special tax season batch of bad apple cider, worry not!  She has emerged from the good end of the income tax season not exactly finished or victorious, but certainly a little more famous. 

It’s true, being famously late doing my taxes is not the kind of fame I signed up for on the form I filled out long ago in Andy Warhol’s outer waiting room, but we can’t all choose where our fifteen minutes gets aired and how it’s covered and whether they break into normal programming.  Anyway, if you want to see just how bad it all was, please visit the SF Chronicle article where I describe the whole boring affair.  I wouldn’t even share news this boring here on my blog, but then again, I don’t have to fill a whole newspaper everyday.

Here it is.

P.I.M.P., “Please Ingest More Potatoes” Campaign Kicks Off

Hey Homies, get your potato on!  Don’t you know potatoes are THE cool urban vegetable for today’s playah? 

The Urban Potato Council announces its exciting new PIMP –  “Please Ingest More Potatoes” — campaign.  Our PIMP crew will be gliding into a hood near you, so watch for the big brown caddies and the Hot Potato Girls — they got eyes and bulges in all the right places! They’ll even show you where to stick your potato, so you can have car-cooked spuds fresh from the tailpipe!

To stay on top of the latest PIMP Hot Potato Girl appearances, and to sign up to win a potato a day for ten years, just leave a comment below.

This contest presented by the Urban Potato Council and  their message: “Please Ingest More Potatoes.”